AHHHHHHH! I am screaming in my head! It hurts! Seriously!
Ok so my head is exploding at the moment. I need a true Zen moment here people! So overwhelmed…ok…ok…breathe, stretch…shake….ok letting it go.
Now, here is my problem. I am a newly self published author- started in June 2012 and guess what…I have not found any real success. O.O (those are large eyes by the way, hoot hoot!)
Any who….despite this I have come to the realization that I have done it all backwards. First I published Deception my first novel on Lulu.com because I read about it on Amanda Hockings website/blog and said hey if she got her millions of readers I got talent I can do it too! Wrong! Very wrong.
Why? Because I didn’t do the research people! So I said ok, keep writing something will happen….WRONG. Not discouraged. So I started my own blog on blogspot.com, hated it. Deleted it- started over on Weebly.com. Still hate it. Then somehow I discovered Goodreads.com and hey I got a good thing going there….made like four friends found blackwritersconenct.com nobody really posts there but I have faith! I will not stop!
And to my dismay nothing is still happening and I sat for many hours trying to grasp as to why I didn’t have overnight success!
I wrote a small blog post about the unsuccessful sparse entity that is the culture of black authors out there. I got a comment or two followed the commentators and still nothing has happened.
I am not defeated, by no means. However I am very perturbed. How is it that I can stay on Google for several hours trying to find my fellow Indie authors out there (not culturally diverse) and it’s still so hard to find the market I am looking for. Let me tell you, I have been going at this since October 2012 and I still have not found what I am looking for. And why is that? I can’t say. I am still puzzled by this and very much disturbed actually.
I have post-its, loose-leaf paper, and a notebook filled with sites, information that may prove helpful and tiny notes that are completely illegible but I have hope! And faith! I have a migraine because every site I have visited gives you a tease of what information you should know, but do not spell it out for you otherwise you may become more successful than them at least that’s what the anger monster on my shoulder shouts whenever I get frustrated from spending countless hours reading the same old advice over and over. And really if you are an author on a budget more than most of these sites want you to spend money you don’t have on a possible link to getting exposure. But its not guaranteed.
So, this is the dilemma. Do I shape up and shift into another direction…or do I start my own. I mean because I literally jumped into this blindsided. I had no clue as to what I was doing and that very well may sound very stupid…but I can say I learned a lot. I’ve read a lot. I’ve pissed myself off a lot actually but I don’t regret it.
It’s a learning curve and I have found a passion in trying something new. I have always been a DIY girl. I like finding out things, testing it, perfecting it and adding my own tweak to it. That’s what I do. That’s how I operate. Honestly, yes I could have gone the slow route, researched until my eyes bled and then got a publicist, tour host what have you, got a mentor, paid someone to do my book covers, editing, synopsis, I could have had others excluding my family read my work but where is the fun in playing it safe? Since I am undoubtedly very frustrated it is intensifying the urge to work harder, produce more, and get the work about myself and my work out there!
So I dedicate this post to all the frustrated Indie authors out there. We need to find a more common place and work together. So if you are reading this post I would love to read your comments enlist your vented frustration and also have your email, blog or website, and friendship as we power through this struggle, because one day our voices will be heard whether you are a struggling author or blogger. It will happen for you. We all just got to have faith.
So now that I have vented and hashed my temper out on technology, I bid you well, send blessings to you and yours. And hope you have a very happy Wednesday.
By Ute Perkins
Rating ***** (5 stars)
Timeless conflict is by far one of my favorite reads to date. While I am not going to gush about how perfect the book was, it did have some faults; however the story line, plot, characters, and conflicts were some of the works best qualities. I would definitely be the first patron should this book catch a movie deal.
First let’s go into the style of writing. Ute Perkins in my opinion is a cross between Stephen King, James Patterson and Dean Koontz which are all very dynamic suspense thriller type authors. From the opening in chapter one a reader will find themselves hooked. I was so caught up within the pages of this novel that I found myself unable to put it down. I mean I literally walked around my house chasing after kids, cleaning this and that one handed, with my eyes glued to my Nook. It was horrible! I even tripped twice, truth I swear! Absolute truth!
I pride myself in giving very honest reviews and insights into the books I review, and let me tell you, I love James Patterson, I can’t read Stephen kings novels at night and I absolutely love Dean Koontz. They are by far the best in their genre and Ute Perkins I think should be added to that list.
Detectives Marcus Reading and Travis Russell put me in the mind of two brothers working together on a gigantic puzzle all the while being distracted with their conflicting personalities. These characters are not one dimensional; Ute did a fantastic job giving every victim, every scene, and every surface inside the book infinite details that feeds the imagination. I had no trouble enveloping myself within the story line, identifying with each unique character and seeing the scenes within my minds eye as if I was really there smelling the fresh scent of blood or watching Marcus become annoyed with Travis as they picked each others brains while attending to their crime scenes.
If you haven’t read this book, surely I say please do. Ute Perkins is a very well written author who has yet to see his due. Very well done Ute, and I thank you very enthusiastically for such a great read. You have a new fan in me.
Charge that to the Game
Book 1 in Charge that Series
Available as an Ebookwww.smashwords.com
In Charge that to the Game we are introduced to Finesse Wilks, a hardened drug dealer with a troubling past. As Finesse prepares for the birth of his first child he is thrown when he is approached by a man claiming to be the real father of his girlfriend’s unborn child. Torn between his emotions he is faced with a perilous decision to man up and walk away from it all or use his gun for the first time as a thug in the streets.
Finesse is one of my favorite characters because we are given an in-depth view of conflicting emotions, what the general definition of a man on the streets is statistically expected to do, and how the consequences of his decisions will affect the core of his lifestyle.
As we explore Finesse Wilks’ mind we find he is a good man caught up in the game as he struggles with reconciling his past, his present, and whatever his future may hold. Was his girlfriend really cheating? Is the baby he has loved inside her womb for the past nine months really his or another mans? Can he walk away from selling on the streets or will death be knocking on his door? Can he man up or will he turn to a weapon he has no right using, never used, and is questioning his courage to even pull the trigger?
Follow Finesse Wilks’ story in Charge that to the Game. I promise you that this story is not going where you may have thought it would. It will leave you questioning what you really knew about the game on the streets and how people really survive the chaos lurking there. Once you pick up this book, you won’t want to put it down. Included in Charge that to the Game are character stats on the three title characters, illustrations in order to get a feel for what they look like, and a preview of Field Advantage book 2 in the charge that series.
Coming soon; Blitz, book 3 in the Charge that series will be coming out in Ebook form for your Ereader. If you thought Charge that to the Game and Field Advantage were off the charts then prepare to have your mind blown by the gripping suspense in Blitz. These characters told you their stories, showed you their choices, and now they are all dealing with the consequences of life on the streets. Can you handle it?
Name: Finesse Bernard Wilks
Favorite Color: Black
Occupation: Drug Dealer
Drafted in the streets: Age 16
Kids: 1 on the way
Charge that to the Game- Book 1 in series
Available at www.smashwords.com
Author: Krystal Milton
In this book a reader will find Character Stats similar to those found in a sports game on its players. In this segment readers will get an indepth look into one of the main character's bio and how her life is affected by the game of the streets.
Introducing: Tayvanna Curtis
| || | Stats:
Name: Tayvanna Nicole Curtis
Birth date: 9/14/1993
Favorite color: Unknown
Meet the Star player in this field of Chaos:
In Charge that to the Game, Tayvanna is the first to be introduced. Readers find themselves engaged in a battle of mind and circumstance as Tayvanna recently finds out that the people she called her parents all her life are in fact not her real parents, and the man she has known her entire life as her older brother is in fact her biological father. With anguish as an accelerant she rages a war path on unlikely peers as she tries to come to terms with this newfound information.
Tayvanna struggles with not only the typical adolescent rage of being raised in the hood with poverty as her landscape, but of struggling to find her past, reconcile her present, and figure out her future.
With the skeletons in her dark closet rattling at the door she is forced to face a mother who has recently discovered her intuition and the driving need to be with her child, and parents who never wanted her but felt obligated to take her in off the streets on a cold winters night.
Want to find out more about Tayvanna and how she manages her life on the streets? Copies of Charge that to the Game can be found on Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Itunes and more!
Follow the link to download your copy!
Reader store: https://ebookstore.sony.com/author/krystal-milton_426251
Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/charge-that-to-the-game-krystal-milton/1113573005?ean=2940045000499
Diesel eBook store: http://www.diesel-ebooks.com/item/SW00000222339/Milton-Krystal-Charge-that-to-the-Game/1.html
Kobo/ chapters.indigo: http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/Charge-that-to-the-Game/book-7NZuozMyc0qhn4Ew4SUqxA/page1.html
Included in Ebook is your own Character Stats, illustrations of title characters, and a free preview of Field Advantage book 2 in Charge that Series.
Genese Bryson is a pastor's daughter who has come to a cross roads in her life. When cleaning the church one evening she has a run in with a broken man who was jumped by gang members and sought refuge in the church in order to save his life. When Genese helps this poor man she finds herself in the middle of his trouble, leaving her to question her decision to save the man bleeding at her feet.
Click here for link: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/246966
The re-released book has new chapters, special new ending, and so many twists involved readers will no doubt be on the edge of their seats as they follow Genese on her jouney to the truth all while staying true to her God
Coming Soon- Book Review for:
by Ute Perkins
When the remains of a missing student are found near the small college town of Missoula Montana FBI agents, Marcus Reading and Travis Russell are called in to investigate. Although local newspapers are reporting this and other attacks as animal related, the two agents believe there is something more. As the investigation continues their only suspect, a local college student, holds the key that not even she realizes will eventually unlock a 5,000 year old secret. As events quickly unfold, one agent is violently and unexpectedly thrust into the unraveling mystery as an unintended attraction threatens the lives of everyone involved.
Are you ill-inspired? Have you been thinking of doing a project and just cant seem to really get it going? Have you been turned down recently? Does your life suck and you just can’t seem to get out of bed?
Do my questions make you feel like you are watching that crazy infomercial about a product you don’t need that comes on at one-something in the morning waking you up because you left the television on?
Well folks; no this is not an infomercial, it’s not a sales pitch, and no it’s not a bad dream. This is basically an article about getting yourself motivated because frankly, we all sometimes need that kick in the butt to get us going.
Recently I have felt a little bit out of sorts and I found myself in the middle of a meltdown trying to do so many things that ultimately seem unsuccessful. So I said to myself- “Self what the heck is going on?” My reply you ask? Well my reply was “I’m tired. Strained, just plain old devastated that I am working so hard for nothing, absolutely nothing.” This led me to start the thought process into why I am feeling this way.
Well let me tell you, because there is a list, I love lists!
- I have been working diligently to edit and publish my novels.
- I rarely get sleep. In fact I have not had a full nights sleep since I was pregnant with my son. I had all the sleep in the world before he was born.
- My mind is constantly going…does your mind do that?
- I have endless stories in my head that I need to get out but don’t have the time to type them all up at the very same time. I wish I had eight arms like an octopus.
- My brain is tired.
- my life is an ongoing process
So on the list goes. While I know this may look like I am selfish or complaining: yes in each article I talk about myself it’s a natural reaction when discussing things, I can also relate to the articles, maybe even a little too well, and complaining is what people in general do. It’s easier to sort out thoughts, ideas, circumstances when applied to ones general retrospect of life and its various situations.
Now moving on we shall to Motivational techniques I have found that helped me get through this time of turmoil. These steps will not only get you into gear but help you shed some much needed negativity in the process. One of the things I have found that helps me surge through the sludge of negativity was to own it. So here we go folks, own it!Own it:
Like life decisions, occurrences, thoughts, hands and feet, everything has two sides. Good and bad, left or right, up or down. In a positive light you have the good and up. In a negative light you have bad and down. Separating these into a small/large list will help you view everything with fresh eyes; it will also take you to the next step which is sort
. Ultimately what these two steps will do is allow you to see where the problem actually lies. Owning up to both natures, good and bad, will give you an even balance and outlook because you cant have one without the other.Sort:
On your small list, try to stay positive by putting the smallest measure of things here. They won’t look so horrible then, may even seem trivial at best and you will not be overwhelmed. On your large list, be sure to put the things that make you want to pull your hair out, once complete set it aside. If you are at your wits end you cannot handle these things right now. So set it down, set it aside until later….much later. Prioritize:
Now you have your small list in front of you and it doesn’t seem so daunting now does it? No, it doesn’t. So here you will have to prioritize what you think you can tackle first with minimal time designated to it. What makes more sense to just get out of the way?
Once you prioritize this list from time effective to time consuming you can now set goals. Goals:
Setting a goal for yourself will boost your inner moral and bring about a change in your confidence when completing the tasks at hand in the order you had prioritized them into. By setting a goal you will be pumping yourself up with a positive outlook that will pay off in the end. It also gives you something to look forward to. Spice it up with a reward if you complete the tasks early. Tackle:
After setting up positive goals take that list and tackle the tasks that you have listed for yourself. You will feel so good when you get started because you have managed your time, followed through, left the stress off your shoulders by seeing the bigger picture and not focusing on the aggravation of said tasks. Your biggest reward in tackling will not be the donut you promised yourself after completion, but in having more time and flexibility to complete things.
For example: You said you wanted to walk the dog before dinner at 6 pm. You set that goal based on your list and have found the time to do it at 4:45 pm instead of 5:30. That will put a smile on your face because you won’t feel rushed when setting the table, fixing plates, washing your hands before you sit down. There may be a mini crisis in there with the kids that will set you back and because you have allowed yourself extra time by staying organized and walking the dog early, you will be able to tackle this without so much as a sweat to the brow.
This last step will make your face bloom with happiness. Because at this stage you should be at the end of your list, yes, soon you will be passing the finish line. So conquer it, revel in it and be merry. You have successfully set a positive foot forward. You have gained confidence, knowledge of yourself, knowledge of what you can accomplish once you set your mind to it, and gained a new perspective. This always feels so good doesn’t it?Reality:
You have completed the smallest things that de-motivated you. You have jumped off the procrastination wagon (yeah I said it!) and got down to the nitty gritty dirty deeds you should have done last week! Now own it, finish it then take a seat because here is where things get tough. Here is where reality sets in. Yup, you still have that big list. You still have things you need to do, decisions to make, bills to pay or whatever it may have been that you put on that gigantic list that you cry over every night.
But look on the bright side. Remember when you made that list you were feeling desperate and ready to splurge on a forty dollar bottle of the finest wine and drink your responsibilities away. But you can’t. Sorry.
So instead focus on the tools you have learned already to get the job done. That’s right. Prioritize! Did that just pop into your head? Right? If not whatever just keep on reading!
If prioritize was not your immediate thought well now it can be, because you have already owned it! You have already sorted it, so what else could you do with the list? No you can’t burn it. Don’t eat it and definitely do not get rid of it by any method of destruction. You have to complete it. Use the tools outlined above and hey I bet when you get halfway through everything else will fall into place.
I am not a journalist, by no means, but I have read my fare share of articles that talk about how to become debt free in two years, how to lose 200 pounds in eighteen months or how to get organized by using tools on the web. Well let me tell you something, those articles didn’t help me. They were all generic typed up baloney that they posted via internet because they have followers who read their crap religiously and then comment about how it helped them when it really didn’t. They just want to feed into the baloney. And really baloney is gross.
But here I have felt we need a more centered outlook on tackling the normal every day responsibilities that plague us. We need a better way of coping, dealing, embracing that with which we can’t get rid of. I am a normal every day person who deals with the same issues. And finding a way to maintain is very hard when you are under pressure, when you are at the end of your rope, when you feel like just shutting down. Anybody can tell you what to do, what you should do. But they won’t help, that’s a fact. It’s ok to tell someone how to handle their life all the while yours is falling to pieces. So I stopped reading those generic baloney articles. Instead I sat down looked at myself in the mirror and said “What’s the real issue?” I wrote my list, read it twice and realized… “I can do this I just have to gain some perspective.” And so can you.
Like I said before I am no journalist, I don’t have the answer to life in general. I will tell you though I have found a new direction for mine and as of this morning, its looking pretty much ok. That’s after I stopped looking at what other people have and focusing on what I have. May not be a lot but with my list its coming together.
Another fun thing to do with your list is getting a group of friends as a support institution. Having a positive backing on your side will motivate you to tackle anything. You’d be surprised what a good shoulder will do for you in a crisis. Now that you have the tools to help you surge through your own river of chaos share it, perfect it, and maintain. Things are always so much more manageable when you undertake it with a positive outlook.
Try it out and tell me how it went! I would love to know if I have ANY type of affect on people LOL.
P.S. When in doubt Pray! If you are not religious we will call it well wishing. Sometimes well wishing/praying will help dissolve the stress you feel. It’s uplifting and encouraging. I recommend for anyone going through a rough patch in their life.
“You just don’t know the world girl. But you need to be wise to it or when you do step out ya parents house its gone mess you up.”
Genese Bryson is a goody-two-shoes, bible reading, prayer reciting teen that has yet to leave the nest. One afternoon while begrudgingly performing her weekly chore of cleaning down the church she is mowed down by a half dead bloody and beaten man who is on the run from his attackers.
As only a good christian would do she hides this man not knowing the havoc he would wreck on her calm peaceful life. After turning away the attackers and saying a brief prayer for the strangers safety she questions her decision on helping the bloody man when her attackers seem to be an ever present force in her life.
Who knew one prayer could cause so much trouble? Follow Genese as she sorts her thoughts, calculates her moves and wonders if the teachings she has learned her entire life will help as she follows the constitution of her actions that fateful night and finds herself becoming the protected instead of the protector.
Have you ever said?
“I hate him!”
“He aint s@#&!”
“That man is a dog!”
“He can kiss my a@*!”
“He can take his B.S. and walk straight off a cliff!”
Ladies we have all been there. Yes, we have thought, said, enunciated, had our lips form at least two or three of those anger driven phrases. That’s what you’d call a He-Man Hater moment. Do not be ashamed, it’s normal. Men bash women too. You can recall in “Little Rascals” the “He-man Women Haters Club” where Alfalfa was ridiculed for his love of Darla.
And isn’t this the norm for Men? Think about it. Men are ridiculed for being “whipped” by a woman. They are made fun of if they don’t two-time on occasion. We have to stop being angry and really look at what is happening.
In Steve Harvey’s book- “Act like a Lady, Think like a man” he talks about how men are programmed from the start to “be tough” or “don’t cry”, especially “Be a man”. I am sure if you have brothers you have heard these phrases. But what you didn’t hear after or during these phrases was how to actually be a man. Nobody ever says “Be a good man”. They don’t give instructions, break it down in laymen’s terms or even suggest what a good man is. It is only after a man has reached the darling stage of Playa-hood that they are told “Be a good man” or “I want a good man” instead of being told from the get-go what you are looking for in a man. Don’t get me wrong I know some women do say what they are looking for, but the man has his it wired in his mind what he
is looking for and it had nothing to do with a relationship with her.
But that leads us to question what a good man is? How does he act? What is he supposed to say? What is he supposed to do? Let’s explore this. Yes, I have a list of what the general attributes are, so let’s follow it J 1. He should have a job.
2. He needs his own place
- Well, in order to get a job and keep it you must have a skill. What is his skill? Have you ever asked yourself or him this question? Does he even have any? And I am not talking about in the bedroom because the only job that leads to is porn and we all know that’s not the job you want your man to have. So before you even list this in qualities that your man should have, make sure if you want him to have a job that you are willing to explore deeper into this subject.
- Another part of a job is his income. Is this important to you? Do you want him to have a job to help you pay your bills? Or is it you want him to splurge on gifts like Gucci purses or shoes, nail appointments, buy you a car or house?
- Are you willing to help him, support him and all that good stuff if he needs to find a job? More importantly will you be with a jobless man?
- What if he is a full-time student? What if he is active in the military and doesn’t bring home enough bacon to support your wants? Because lets be frank here, if you want a man to flower you with amenities it is a want not a need. And you must then ask yourself; do you really want to have a man in your life or a sugar daddy?
- So you want some alone time. Does he have his own place or live with his mama? (I know, I know Scrub alert!) But if he is supposed to have his own place that leads us to ask…do you have your own place? Do you have roommates? Do you live with relatives? Why is it so easy to put stipulations on him and not yourself?
- Is it clean? Well most likely it is not unless he has a severe case of OCD, is finicky or has a cleaning lady that is not his mother, whom he pays regularly to actually come in and clean his home.
- Does he have pets? Does he care for them? If he takes care of his pet(s) then you can try to use this as a determination of how he will treat you. On the other hand, just because he puts strong values into his animal that does not mean he will be fully committed to you. You can also determine his personal preferences by the type of animal he chooses. This is generalization I might add, but it helps. If he has a dangerous dog, well that’s your typical bad boy. He has aggressive tendencies like his animal and could be prone to outbursts. If he has say a bunny rabbit, he may be in more touch with his feminine side. He may love to snuggle and will uphold your feelings and emotions in high regards. If he likes reptiles; snakes, iguanas and the like, he may be rough on the outside, but may encompass a much sweeter inside than he would like you to know. May even be a biker boy with tattoos and multiple piercing’s. Again this is all generalization; it may not be his personality at all. But cues to look for and interpret at your own risk.
- Does he cook? Men who love to cook can be very romantic. They like to serve, not in a domestic way, but will love to pamper you. Is it a requirement? Depends on the woman.
- Does he do laundry? Dishes? Vacuuming? Nothing is sexier than a domesticated man, but is this something you want him to do? Remember ladies, what you want him to help with, you should state it in the beginning of the relationship, not after twenty years where you have done everything, spoiled him rotten, and then expect him to pick up a mop. Force of habit is telling you he won’t.
4. Kids or no kids?
- Does he have his own car? Does he ride the bus, train, or take a taxi?
- How important is it for him to have his own wheels? Is it a deal breaker if he doesn’t? How willing are you to travel to him, pick him up or meet him somewhere knowing he is on foot?
- What if he were saving up for a car? Maybe even a house?
- What if he had no license? Never learned how to drive…would you teach him?
- Would this be a deal breaker if you both had no mode of transportation? If you don’t have a car, is he expected to drive you around? Pick you up? Run your errands?
- Most importantly, would you ever let him drive your car? If the answer is no, then take a look into why you don’t trust this man. Because that’s what it comes down to.
5. Family Values
- In this generation you will find many men have kids from past relationships. Many may not. But will it bother you if he did? Would you be able to cope with baby mama drama? Can you see yourself as being a step-mom?
- If he doesn’t have kids, will he want them in the future? Do you want kids in the future? Mind you, never go into a date saying “I want Marriage and kids!” He may very well run for the border. Should this even be up for discussion?
- Do you have kids? Can you see this man being an active part in your family structure? Would you trust him alone with them?
1. Does he love his mother? Is he good to her? Is he a Mama’s boy?
2. Is he good to his siblings should he have any?
3. Is he a loner?
4. How important are his family values to you? Does it matter if he was adopted and has no real family? What if he has a large family but doesn’t get along with any of them? On the flip side what if his family interferes with every aspect of his life? Can you handle these things?
5. Does he want a family? If so, when would he like to start one? Can you see yourself building a life with him?6. Relationship History- The big one!
- How many partners has he been intimate with- we all, although we may not want to step into this muddy water, should have knowledge of this. It tells us so much about a person’s past. Whether he was promiscuous, virginal, or somewhat active is important. It opens a lot of doors. It can lead to the talk about diseases and preferences.
- Has he ever cheated? While I know not every man will own up to it, it’s important to ask. I will not say once a cheater always a cheater, because that may not always be the case. But it is important to know if he has ever done it and has progressed from that destructive behavior.
- Have you ever cheated? We have to be honest ladies. Women cheat, cheating happens everyday. It is important that we take responsibility and show that we have made a mistake and moved on from it.
- Does he show signs of being a serial dater? When I say serial dater I mean playa, dog, serial cheater…the list can go on. Frankly ladies, if he has anything to hide and cant give you an honest answer, if he shrugs his shoulders and waves his hand as if fanning a fart, well then he is one of the above. He has no intention of making you his “baby”, no intention of staying faithful, will not commit to you and NO you cannot tame or change him. Walk away fast. Because if you stay you will be considered one of the following: Friend with benefits, F@#$ Buddy, booty call, just sex and many many more.
- Is his number of partners disturbing? Can you deal with being #101? Ultimately you may find this is not even a topic you want to cover. Should you skip this, be prepared for what may come.
8. Looks- I saved this topic for last, because well we should think of his personal attributes before his physical. This will give us a chance to visualize what we are looking for.
- We are in an economy where everyone is struggling. This is a topic that most often is the cause of many breakups. If he is in debt, is it bad? Are you in debt? Would you want someone in your life who is accepting of this? Is he in debt because of you? Was he trying so hard to please you he broke the bank? Is it because of a past relationship that ended in separation or divorce? Has either one of you ever declared bankruptcy?
- Should this be a factor in your relationship? While most couples do merge their expenses and paychecks a lot are in more modern relationships where everything is separate. So should his financial background bother you?
- Let’s look at a more traditional situation. Women were always cautioned to keep a separate account for emergencies should they find themselves in a divorce or separation of the home. We have seen countless stories of people who didn’t protect themselves and they ended up losing everything, broke, out on their butts with not even a nickel and dime to rub together. But is this something to consider when thinking of a man? Should one push the issue of such negative behavior on a relationship that hasn’t even started yet?
- Let’s be very honest here people. To some, looks matter. It is the very core of what they are looking for in a man or woman, whatever your preference may be. It makes some people’s world go round. So we have to explore this option. How important are a man’s looks to you? Does he have to be trim or muscular? Will you date a large man?
- What are your height preferences? Is it ok if he is an inch shorter than you? Can he be bald? Or is hair very important? What about his age? What would you consider too old? What about if he is younger than you, would you date him?
- How about his “other” size? Will that make or break the relationship? Did you happen to notice most men with above average size “down there” tend to be promiscuous? Its not a proven fact, not every man who is well endowed will sleep with every woman they see, but if he has the goods he tends to want to spread it. Why? 1. Because that’s what they are told women want. 2. He has a very large accompanying ego and has to satisfy its needs with constant attention and praise. 3. He knows that he can have it anytime, anywhere because being huge is the best fashion statement in the industry of women. It’s better to us than shoes. Am I lying? Lets be honest here…if a man is well stacked…do you care what his face or body looks like? Did you just say no? What did you just think: “You can always turn off the lights? Mhmm… proved that point huh?
- What if he is not above average? Is this a deal breaker? By the time you can check his package that would mean you are ready to move to a more intimate setting. If his size is a deal breaker you have to determine a better way to find out this information. It can be very hurtful when being led on.
- While you are basing your whole relationship on looks, trust that he is doing the same. No relationship can survive on shallowness. While I am not saying you are a bad person, people want what they want, just be prepared to face as much scrutiny by him as you are doing to him. Men go by visual cues, if you are giving off negative vibes please expect this in return.
So ask yourself while you are making this long list of “should have” qualities…What is your ultimate goal? What exactly are you looking for in a “good man”? Do you really think there is a man out there that fits your exact description of what you want? I just asked you about the man you “wanted”. What about the man you “Need”?
This is how I believe (I may be wrong) a list of a “Good man” should look.
- Supportive- values my skills, intellect, mind, body and soul. Helps me maintain my goals in accordance with his. Will be by my side through crisis no matter what or how difficult they may be.
- Romantic- May not buy jewelry or purses, but will strive to make me feel special and loved. Understands the importance of intimacy, not just sex, but of holding hands without thinking it’s a sissy move, but understands it’s a bonding ritual that keeps us closer. Loves to spend time with me, makes time, and expresses his feelings.
- Drama-less- I wish I could say Drama-free but that can be seen as impossible. He tackles his problems or seeks a shoulder when needed. Is not afraid to express himself, but in a manner that is non-aggressive. Does not get himself into situations that could lead to court appearances or jail time. This is a MUST!
- Goals- Has goals in place for the future. Is ambitious when it comes to his work-life as well as home-life. Plans for emergencies as well as building a life with someone
- Real- knows his flaws, mistakes and shortcomings. Embraces his good as well as tough inner workings that make him the man he is. Someone who isn’t afraid to go toe-to-toe with me, but can handle a crying jag.
Once you have the basis of what you need you can then explore what you want. This is when you can go into looks, endowment as well as other topics like children, past relationships. I believe once you have a basis of your needs the wants may seem pointless or even frivolous.
Understanding what you are looking for, what you won’t put up with, and what you ultimately need in your life will define the man you are looking for. As women we strive for better, but what we forget is people have to work together in order to achieve better. We also have to look into ourselves and acknowledge if the qualities we want from someone else are qualities that we possess. We can’t expect something that we don’t give from within ourselves. Meaning ladies, if you want him to buy you a Louis Vuitton limited addition purse, you should be able to fork up the money for season tickets to his favorite sports team games. If you want him to massage your feet, you should be able to return the favor. If you want him to love you for all of your shortcomings, be prepared to return that love.
That leads us to explore why we go through our He-man hater moments. When your mind is set on man bashing think of why you are doing it. Was he the man you needed? Are you really mad at him or yourself? When you realized he was “playing” you, why didn’t you walk away then and not wait an extra year or two before hitting the road? When it all comes down to it man-bashing is a way to vent on the disappointment and hurt your gentlemen friend caused you, because that’s all it really is; hurt and disappointment. When you realize this you can stop yourself, think about why you are so angry and move on. Make a list of what you are really looking for and take your time with the next one to see if he really possesses the qualities that would make you happy. The qualities that will help you maintain a long healthy relationship.
While I am not a relationship guru, I am however a true testament of trial and error. I have broken up, been cheated on, gone back to the man like three times before figuring out its not working. That one of us needs to change. But one day I sat back and said…Why do we have to change? Is change really necessary? No, it’s not.
What’s necessary is figuring out what I need, want and who I am. I do not believe in the saying “if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you cherish it” or “You have to love yourself before someone else will love you”. If you love something why do you have to let it go? If you have to let someone go in order for them to see how much they are hurting you, then that is not a positive relationship. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes it does work out, the loved one comes back and you have your happily ever after. But if you love something love it, don’t let it go and think that it will solve things. You have to work at a relationship in order for it to thrive. I think that saying shows people how to quit easily when things get tough instead of working harder towards something meaningful.
You have to love yourself before someone else can love you? Well, let’s change that because everyone has self-hate. I don’t mean you hate yourself literally, but we all have things about ourselves that we don’t like. Just like a relationship you have to work to have a positive self-esteem or image. Just like you have to work out to lose weight or even diet, just like you have to work at a relationship. We all want a quick fix instead or putting time and attention into something we direly need. I have found when you have someone positive in your life that loves you it helps with self-esteem issues because you view yourself through their eyes. It’s elating to feel needed and wanted. So while you should find a happy median with yourself in or out of a relationship, you should consider building on that core relationship with yourself so that your insecurities do not frighten off your mate. It’s a proven science that women tend to care better for themselves when they are in love than if they are in a funk or alone.
If you have recently suffered a break-up I do encourage you to take that minute to blame him, curse him, shove needles in a voodoo doll(just kidding don’t actually do it!) man bash the heck out of his personality to friends. Then breathe and release the pain. Let the hurt go and figure out what it is that you need from your man and go from there. When you have it all in perspective things will look much better.
I also encourage you to take the time to look at all aspects of your life and find out where you have slacked off. Most of the time when stressed we do not see the bigger issue which may have caused a rift in our relationships. Accept your fault in the problem and then let it go. No use in holding on to trivial things, they will only leak over into any new relationship you have. You don’t want to fault Peter because of Paul. And should Peter want to get back together, take the time to air out old ghosts, tell him what you are willing to do in order to move forward. If he can’t meet those needs, then move on to Paul. Paul may be the one. I am not condoning cheating! Make sure you are ready to be honest about what you are feeling. Don’t go fishing unless you have the right bait. And don’t bait a fish if you aren’t prepared to cook it or throw it back.
It is so much easier to blame someone else. Hey Men do it! They blame us for global warming. For the plague! For having babies! They want a good woman just as much as we want a good man, but fail to encompass that which they seek. We all have a tendency to bicker, whine, rant, rave, vent or be bitter towards the opposite sex when things go wrong. It’s a go-to way of evading the bigger issue. While men can read this topic and go “aw now here we go again” we women will look at it and go “that’s what I was just saying about Tyrone!” Ultimately let’s view this as a way to cope. There are so many people out there telling others what to do, what to think, how to behave, or what to look for. I think, and I hope I am right, we have established in this post how to cope, what the bigger picture is, and how to move on from hurtful ways and thinking.
I am in no way telling you to go back to the “ex” or that my way of thinking is right. I am not saying you are to blame for his mistakes. What I am saying, however, is we have to come together as a people and realize things will never be perfect. We have to own up to our part in past, present and future mistakes and learn better management techniques. I always want to have a “real” view in my postings. I want to play devils advocate and really get down to the nitty gritty. Self reflection is the best cure to any hardship. Self improvement is the best medicine for a better future.
Hey I may be wrong, but if you get to this part of the article and you have related and agreed to anything I have written, well then I guess I nailed my goal. Happy reading to all and as always I hope for the best in your journey; because that’s what life is, it’s a journey. It has bumps and forks in the road; it has dips and turns, puddles and muddy pastures. And I believe if we embrace this concept we can enjoy the ride, turbulence and all.