“I hate him!”
“He aint s@#&!”
“That man is a dog!”
“He can kiss my a@*!”
“He can take his B.S. and walk straight off a cliff!”
Ladies we have all been there. Yes, we have thought, said, enunciated, had our lips form at least two or three of those anger driven phrases. That’s what you’d call a He-Man Hater moment. Do not be ashamed, it’s normal. Men bash women too. You can recall in “Little Rascals” the “He-man Women Haters Club” where Alfalfa was ridiculed for his love of Darla.
And isn’t this the norm for Men? Think about it. Men are ridiculed for being “whipped” by a woman. They are made fun of if they don’t two-time on occasion. We have to stop being angry and really look at what is happening.
In Steve Harvey’s book- “Act like a Lady, Think like a man” he talks about how men are programmed from the start to “be tough” or “don’t cry”, especially “Be a man”. I am sure if you have brothers you have heard these phrases. But what you didn’t hear after or during these phrases was how to actually be a man. Nobody ever says “Be a good man”. They don’t give instructions, break it down in laymen’s terms or even suggest what a good man is. It is only after a man has reached the darling stage of Playa-hood that they are told “Be a good man” or “I want a good man” instead of being told from the get-go what you are looking for in a man. Don’t get me wrong I know some women do say what they are looking for, but the man has his it wired in his mind what he is looking for and it had nothing to do with a relationship with her.
But that leads us to question what a good man is? How does he act? What is he supposed to say? What is he supposed to do? Let’s explore this. Yes, I have a list of what the general attributes are, so let’s follow it J
1. He should have a job.
- Well, in order to get a job and keep it you must have a skill. What is his skill? Have you ever asked yourself or him this question? Does he even have any? And I am not talking about in the bedroom because the only job that leads to is porn and we all know that’s not the job you want your man to have. So before you even list this in qualities that your man should have, make sure if you want him to have a job that you are willing to explore deeper into this subject.
- Another part of a job is his income. Is this important to you? Do you want him to have a job to help you pay your bills? Or is it you want him to splurge on gifts like Gucci purses or shoes, nail appointments, buy you a car or house?
- Are you willing to help him, support him and all that good stuff if he needs to find a job? More importantly will you be with a jobless man?
- What if he is a full-time student? What if he is active in the military and doesn’t bring home enough bacon to support your wants? Because lets be frank here, if you want a man to flower you with amenities it is a want not a need. And you must then ask yourself; do you really want to have a man in your life or a sugar daddy?
- So you want some alone time. Does he have his own place or live with his mama? (I know, I know Scrub alert!) But if he is supposed to have his own place that leads us to ask…do you have your own place? Do you have roommates? Do you live with relatives? Why is it so easy to put stipulations on him and not yourself?
- Is it clean? Well most likely it is not unless he has a severe case of OCD, is finicky or has a cleaning lady that is not his mother, whom he pays regularly to actually come in and clean his home.
- Does he have pets? Does he care for them? If he takes care of his pet(s) then you can try to use this as a determination of how he will treat you. On the other hand, just because he puts strong values into his animal that does not mean he will be fully committed to you. You can also determine his personal preferences by the type of animal he chooses. This is generalization I might add, but it helps. If he has a dangerous dog, well that’s your typical bad boy. He has aggressive tendencies like his animal and could be prone to outbursts. If he has say a bunny rabbit, he may be in more touch with his feminine side. He may love to snuggle and will uphold your feelings and emotions in high regards. If he likes reptiles; snakes, iguanas and the like, he may be rough on the outside, but may encompass a much sweeter inside than he would like you to know. May even be a biker boy with tattoos and multiple piercing’s. Again this is all generalization; it may not be his personality at all. But cues to look for and interpret at your own risk.
- Does he cook? Men who love to cook can be very romantic. They like to serve, not in a domestic way, but will love to pamper you. Is it a requirement? Depends on the woman.
- Does he do laundry? Dishes? Vacuuming? Nothing is sexier than a domesticated man, but is this something you want him to do? Remember ladies, what you want him to help with, you should state it in the beginning of the relationship, not after twenty years where you have done everything, spoiled him rotten, and then expect him to pick up a mop. Force of habit is telling you he won’t.
- Does he have his own car? Does he ride the bus, train, or take a taxi?
- How important is it for him to have his own wheels? Is it a deal breaker if he doesn’t? How willing are you to travel to him, pick him up or meet him somewhere knowing he is on foot?
- What if he were saving up for a car? Maybe even a house?
- What if he had no license? Never learned how to drive…would you teach him?
- Would this be a deal breaker if you both had no mode of transportation? If you don’t have a car, is he expected to drive you around? Pick you up? Run your errands?
- Most importantly, would you ever let him drive your car? If the answer is no, then take a look into why you don’t trust this man. Because that’s what it comes down to.
- In this generation you will find many men have kids from past relationships. Many may not. But will it bother you if he did? Would you be able to cope with baby mama drama? Can you see yourself as being a step-mom?
- If he doesn’t have kids, will he want them in the future? Do you want kids in the future? Mind you, never go into a date saying “I want Marriage and kids!” He may very well run for the border. Should this even be up for discussion?
- Do you have kids? Can you see this man being an active part in your family structure? Would you trust him alone with them?
1. Does he love his mother? Is he good to her? Is he a Mama’s boy?
2. Is he good to his siblings should he have any?
3. Is he a loner?
4. How important are his family values to you? Does it matter if he was adopted and has no real family? What if he has a large family but doesn’t get along with any of them? On the flip side what if his family interferes with every aspect of his life? Can you handle these things?
5. Does he want a family? If so, when would he like to start one? Can you see yourself building a life with him?
6. Relationship History- The big one!
- How many partners has he been intimate with- we all, although we may not want to step into this muddy water, should have knowledge of this. It tells us so much about a person’s past. Whether he was promiscuous, virginal, or somewhat active is important. It opens a lot of doors. It can lead to the talk about diseases and preferences.
- Has he ever cheated? While I know not every man will own up to it, it’s important to ask. I will not say once a cheater always a cheater, because that may not always be the case. But it is important to know if he has ever done it and has progressed from that destructive behavior.
- Have you ever cheated? We have to be honest ladies. Women cheat, cheating happens everyday. It is important that we take responsibility and show that we have made a mistake and moved on from it.
- Does he show signs of being a serial dater? When I say serial dater I mean playa, dog, serial cheater…the list can go on. Frankly ladies, if he has anything to hide and cant give you an honest answer, if he shrugs his shoulders and waves his hand as if fanning a fart, well then he is one of the above. He has no intention of making you his “baby”, no intention of staying faithful, will not commit to you and NO you cannot tame or change him. Walk away fast. Because if you stay you will be considered one of the following: Friend with benefits, F@#$ Buddy, booty call, just sex and many many more.
- Is his number of partners disturbing? Can you deal with being #101? Ultimately you may find this is not even a topic you want to cover. Should you skip this, be prepared for what may come.
- We are in an economy where everyone is struggling. This is a topic that most often is the cause of many breakups. If he is in debt, is it bad? Are you in debt? Would you want someone in your life who is accepting of this? Is he in debt because of you? Was he trying so hard to please you he broke the bank? Is it because of a past relationship that ended in separation or divorce? Has either one of you ever declared bankruptcy?
- Should this be a factor in your relationship? While most couples do merge their expenses and paychecks a lot are in more modern relationships where everything is separate. So should his financial background bother you?
- Let’s look at a more traditional situation. Women were always cautioned to keep a separate account for emergencies should they find themselves in a divorce or separation of the home. We have seen countless stories of people who didn’t protect themselves and they ended up losing everything, broke, out on their butts with not even a nickel and dime to rub together. But is this something to consider when thinking of a man? Should one push the issue of such negative behavior on a relationship that hasn’t even started yet?
- Let’s be very honest here people. To some, looks matter. It is the very core of what they are looking for in a man or woman, whatever your preference may be. It makes some people’s world go round. So we have to explore this option. How important are a man’s looks to you? Does he have to be trim or muscular? Will you date a large man?
- What are your height preferences? Is it ok if he is an inch shorter than you? Can he be bald? Or is hair very important? What about his age? What would you consider too old? What about if he is younger than you, would you date him?
- How about his “other” size? Will that make or break the relationship? Did you happen to notice most men with above average size “down there” tend to be promiscuous? Its not a proven fact, not every man who is well endowed will sleep with every woman they see, but if he has the goods he tends to want to spread it. Why? 1. Because that’s what they are told women want. 2. He has a very large accompanying ego and has to satisfy its needs with constant attention and praise. 3. He knows that he can have it anytime, anywhere because being huge is the best fashion statement in the industry of women. It’s better to us than shoes. Am I lying? Lets be honest here…if a man is well stacked…do you care what his face or body looks like? Did you just say no? What did you just think: “You can always turn off the lights? Mhmm… proved that point huh?
- What if he is not above average? Is this a deal breaker? By the time you can check his package that would mean you are ready to move to a more intimate setting. If his size is a deal breaker you have to determine a better way to find out this information. It can be very hurtful when being led on.
- While you are basing your whole relationship on looks, trust that he is doing the same. No relationship can survive on shallowness. While I am not saying you are a bad person, people want what they want, just be prepared to face as much scrutiny by him as you are doing to him. Men go by visual cues, if you are giving off negative vibes please expect this in return.
This is how I believe (I may be wrong) a list of a “Good man” should look.
- Supportive- values my skills, intellect, mind, body and soul. Helps me maintain my goals in accordance with his. Will be by my side through crisis no matter what or how difficult they may be.
- Romantic- May not buy jewelry or purses, but will strive to make me feel special and loved. Understands the importance of intimacy, not just sex, but of holding hands without thinking it’s a sissy move, but understands it’s a bonding ritual that keeps us closer. Loves to spend time with me, makes time, and expresses his feelings.
- Drama-less- I wish I could say Drama-free but that can be seen as impossible. He tackles his problems or seeks a shoulder when needed. Is not afraid to express himself, but in a manner that is non-aggressive. Does not get himself into situations that could lead to court appearances or jail time. This is a MUST!
- Goals- Has goals in place for the future. Is ambitious when it comes to his work-life as well as home-life. Plans for emergencies as well as building a life with someone
- Real- knows his flaws, mistakes and shortcomings. Embraces his good as well as tough inner workings that make him the man he is. Someone who isn’t afraid to go toe-to-toe with me, but can handle a crying jag.
Understanding what you are looking for, what you won’t put up with, and what you ultimately need in your life will define the man you are looking for. As women we strive for better, but what we forget is people have to work together in order to achieve better. We also have to look into ourselves and acknowledge if the qualities we want from someone else are qualities that we possess. We can’t expect something that we don’t give from within ourselves. Meaning ladies, if you want him to buy you a Louis Vuitton limited addition purse, you should be able to fork up the money for season tickets to his favorite sports team games. If you want him to massage your feet, you should be able to return the favor. If you want him to love you for all of your shortcomings, be prepared to return that love.
That leads us to explore why we go through our He-man hater moments. When your mind is set on man bashing think of why you are doing it. Was he the man you needed? Are you really mad at him or yourself? When you realized he was “playing” you, why didn’t you walk away then and not wait an extra year or two before hitting the road? When it all comes down to it man-bashing is a way to vent on the disappointment and hurt your gentlemen friend caused you, because that’s all it really is; hurt and disappointment. When you realize this you can stop yourself, think about why you are so angry and move on. Make a list of what you are really looking for and take your time with the next one to see if he really possesses the qualities that would make you happy. The qualities that will help you maintain a long healthy relationship.
While I am not a relationship guru, I am however a true testament of trial and error. I have broken up, been cheated on, gone back to the man like three times before figuring out its not working. That one of us needs to change. But one day I sat back and said…Why do we have to change? Is change really necessary? No, it’s not.
What’s necessary is figuring out what I need, want and who I am. I do not believe in the saying “if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you cherish it” or “You have to love yourself before someone else will love you”. If you love something why do you have to let it go? If you have to let someone go in order for them to see how much they are hurting you, then that is not a positive relationship. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes it does work out, the loved one comes back and you have your happily ever after. But if you love something love it, don’t let it go and think that it will solve things. You have to work at a relationship in order for it to thrive. I think that saying shows people how to quit easily when things get tough instead of working harder towards something meaningful.
You have to love yourself before someone else can love you? Well, let’s change that because everyone has self-hate. I don’t mean you hate yourself literally, but we all have things about ourselves that we don’t like. Just like a relationship you have to work to have a positive self-esteem or image. Just like you have to work out to lose weight or even diet, just like you have to work at a relationship. We all want a quick fix instead or putting time and attention into something we direly need. I have found when you have someone positive in your life that loves you it helps with self-esteem issues because you view yourself through their eyes. It’s elating to feel needed and wanted. So while you should find a happy median with yourself in or out of a relationship, you should consider building on that core relationship with yourself so that your insecurities do not frighten off your mate. It’s a proven science that women tend to care better for themselves when they are in love than if they are in a funk or alone.
If you have recently suffered a break-up I do encourage you to take that minute to blame him, curse him, shove needles in a voodoo doll(just kidding don’t actually do it!) man bash the heck out of his personality to friends. Then breathe and release the pain. Let the hurt go and figure out what it is that you need from your man and go from there. When you have it all in perspective things will look much better.
I also encourage you to take the time to look at all aspects of your life and find out where you have slacked off. Most of the time when stressed we do not see the bigger issue which may have caused a rift in our relationships. Accept your fault in the problem and then let it go. No use in holding on to trivial things, they will only leak over into any new relationship you have. You don’t want to fault Peter because of Paul. And should Peter want to get back together, take the time to air out old ghosts, tell him what you are willing to do in order to move forward. If he can’t meet those needs, then move on to Paul. Paul may be the one. I am not condoning cheating! Make sure you are ready to be honest about what you are feeling. Don’t go fishing unless you have the right bait. And don’t bait a fish if you aren’t prepared to cook it or throw it back.
It is so much easier to blame someone else. Hey Men do it! They blame us for global warming. For the plague! For having babies! They want a good woman just as much as we want a good man, but fail to encompass that which they seek. We all have a tendency to bicker, whine, rant, rave, vent or be bitter towards the opposite sex when things go wrong. It’s a go-to way of evading the bigger issue. While men can read this topic and go “aw now here we go again” we women will look at it and go “that’s what I was just saying about Tyrone!” Ultimately let’s view this as a way to cope. There are so many people out there telling others what to do, what to think, how to behave, or what to look for. I think, and I hope I am right, we have established in this post how to cope, what the bigger picture is, and how to move on from hurtful ways and thinking.
I am in no way telling you to go back to the “ex” or that my way of thinking is right. I am not saying you are to blame for his mistakes. What I am saying, however, is we have to come together as a people and realize things will never be perfect. We have to own up to our part in past, present and future mistakes and learn better management techniques. I always want to have a “real” view in my postings. I want to play devils advocate and really get down to the nitty gritty. Self reflection is the best cure to any hardship. Self improvement is the best medicine for a better future.
Hey I may be wrong, but if you get to this part of the article and you have related and agreed to anything I have written, well then I guess I nailed my goal. Happy reading to all and as always I hope for the best in your journey; because that’s what life is, it’s a journey. It has bumps and forks in the road; it has dips and turns, puddles and muddy pastures. And I believe if we embrace this concept we can enjoy the ride, turbulence and all.